I’ve had it. I’ve simply had it with the issues of today and because of this, I am officially running for President. We have endured the atrocities of our culture for long enough and I’m putting a stop to it. Consider this my official throwing-of-the-name-in-the-hat.
1. For my first act as President, I will require every store restroom (clothing or grocery) be hereby fit with a toddler chair. So that every hardworking, American mother may experience a peaceful pee in any location she may be.
2. My second act as POTUS will henceforth ban any individual from touching a pregnant belly without prior permission. Second Cousins, Great Aunts, Strangers in the Checkout Line, I’m looking at you. Lest you be slapped with heavy fines and a note on your criminal record, hands off.
3. Thirdly, I will propose a bill to fund the creation of a yoga pant that does not reveal the line of the panty. We will wear them as pants. We will choose comfort over denim. And we will keep our undergarments private!
4. Next, I will require that all mall stores have aisles wide enough for strollers (The Children’s Place, seriously. There is no excuse).
5. All child shoes will be simple, easy to put on and not make a mother feel as though she is breaking every single toe off of her child while attempting to dress them for the day.
6. Next, any individual selling direct sales, specifically magical wraps to shrink post-baby tummies, will be limited in their outrageously frequent and mostly obnoxious postings to once every 2 weeks.
8. While on the topic of home delivery, America will bring back the Milk Man. Infants, toddlers and children alike consume a shocking amount of vitamin D per day and the regular delivery of the beverage will help relieve the stress of mothers across this nation.
9. All grocery carts will be subject to the same safety scrutiny as vehicles when it comes to holding an infant car seat. There will be no more unsafe wobbling of baby carriers on the shoddy wire seat. No. More.
10. Every public restroom in the United States of America will be equipped with a clean, liner-filled, diaper changing station.
11. Purell. Purell will become the new fire extinguisher. Every 50 feet.
12. All infant pajamas with 63 snaps all the way to the toe will be banned. They are a nighttime sanity hazard and will not be tolerated.
14. As President, I will require all children’s menus at restaurants to provide several fruit and vegetable options.
15. Finally, in an act that will lead this nation into great success and prosperity, I will provide all new parents with a 5 year subscription to Netflix and a DVR. Long nights bonding with a newborn are a crucial necessity of life. So is Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
You’re Welcome America.