As I near the end of my pregnancy (she’ll be here in 3 weeks!), I can’t help but be flooded with all sorts of emotions. I’m anxious about having another c-section and how I will recover with a newborn and a three and a half year old. I’m worried about getting PPD. Although I didn’t get it with my oldest, I never had anxiety like I do now until I had a panic attack when she was 9 months old so it worries me that I will get more than the normal baby blues this time around. I’m excited to meet this little goober who’s been kicking the shit out of me for months and who has been using my bladder as a comfy pillow. But the one thing that’s been getting me lately is guilt.
Over the past 9 months, my daughter’s life has changed. She’s gone from having a mommy that was always go-go-go and lots of fun to a mommy who has been too sick to play or to go outside and enjoy a beautiful day. She’s watched her mommy’s belly get ‘bigger and bigger’ in her words and watched mommy’s energy dwindle over the months. I’m worried how her new sister will impact her and how the relationship between the two of us will change. But I also wonder how much of these past 9 months she will remember..
Will she remember her summer being cut short because mommy was too nauseous to play outside in the heat?
Will she remember mommy laying on the couch instead of building a castle with her out of Legos?
Will she remember eating peanut butter sandwhiches several nights in a row because making anything else for dinner made mommy sick?
Will she remember all of the times mommy yelled and lost her temper because her hormones have been crazy?
Will she remember all of the TV and movies she watched so mommy could rest?
Will she remember mommy crying because she was so miserable from growing her little sister?
Will she remember the naps we would take together every day in
Will she remember the laughs & giggles as we laid in mommy’s bed when we woke up from our naps?
Will she remember that she’ll always be my baby?
Will she remember that mommy will always, always be her bestfriend?
Will she remember that she is mommy’s first child and our bond can never be broken?
Will she remember that no matter what, mommy will always love her?
I’m sure it’s normal to feel guilty when having another child but I can’t help but be excited for my daughter as well. She’s going to be a big sister! A great one at that. So although I have a lot of guilt, I know that her new little sister will change her life for the better. I can’t wait to see them grow up together. To witness their fights over toys and the TV, the fights over clothes, who gets the car and of course boys when they’re older. Sisters are built in bestfriends and I couldn’t be happier to be able to give my daughter a friend for life. I hope she remembers that.