Unless you live under a (nice and cozy) rock, you have probably heard about this article an author wrote wanting all the perks of a maternity leave – without actually having a child. Meghann Foye’s book, Meternity, and New York Post article describes the jealousy (honestly, what is there to be jealous of?) she has toward her co-workers who get to take a maternity leave when they – gasp! – gave birth to a child. She even goes to say she is entitled to a ‘meternity leave’ (a sabbatical-like break she says) to reflect on her life. As a woman who is 7 weeks post partum, the words “perks”, “self-reflection” and “sabbatical” make me want to punch this woman in the face. The only perks of maternity leave are bonding with your new baby and getting to smell their delicious new baby smell (a baby’s head is intoxicating). It is not a vacation. There is no time for self reflection. If a childless woman wants to take a meternity leave (you know, because she’s entitled to it), I think there should be certain things that she must endure that post partum women go through.
A Swift Kick to the Vag
Your meternity leave will start off on the right foot once you get kicked square in the vagina – with spikes. That’s sort of what it’s like to push a baby the size of a bowling ball out of your hoo-ha.
H is for Hemorrhoids
When pushing out that precious bowling ball, some women (okay,
most women) get hemorrhoids and they feel absolutely amazing. I’m not sure how one can actually mimic hemorrhoids, but just imagine pain, itching and bleeding from your read end. Sounds like a good time, huh?
Chapped Nipples for $100 Alex
If you want to go on a tropical vacation or travel the world during your meternity leave, you must do so with sore, chapped, bleeding nips. The first 6 weeks of breastfeeding is difficult. It hurts. Your nipples bleed. And they leak.
Pump, Pump, Pump it up
Speaking of boobs, you have to pump every 2-3 hours, just as a new mom does. I know you have no milk, but you need to fully understand how fun it is to have a newborn. Oh, but you can eat your BonBons and watch your soaps while you pump. Put those feet up, too. You deserve it!
I know you’re on vacation, but you need to set your alarm for every 2-3 hours because that’s what moms with newborns (or children in general) do – EVERY. SINGLE. FREAKING. NIGHT.
To get the effect of a crying baby (who cries and cries and cries), put a loud, annoying siren on repeat for hours. Buy tylenol in bulk for your many headaches.
That’s just a tiny glimpse of what a new mom goes through on maternity leave. The first 6-8 weeks of their baby’s life is hard. It’s not fun. Their body is going through so much; healing, hormones changing, sleep deprevation. It is so worth it, but it’s not easy. A mother deserves this time off and for a childless woman to have the nerve to say she’s entitled to the same time off for doing absolutely nothing, she has to be batshit crazy.