Motherless on Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is a special day dedicated to the selfless, strong, amazing women who raised us. The women who constantly put their family’s needs and wants before their own. The women who birthed us, clothed us, fed us, loved us and shaped us into the people we are today. There is nothing like a mother’s love. Absolutely nothing. So what happens when your mother is no longer here to do those things for you? When she is tragically taken away too soon? As she is ripped away, it literally feels like your heart is being torn from your body. The pain is unbearable . The woman who you love more than anything is suddenly gone. In the blink of an eye, just like that. How do you go on? How can you possibly navigate life without her? It’s excructiating, but you have to move on. You have to live your life because hers was cut short and she would want you to. She would want to see you happy, accomplishing your dreams and goals, getting married and having babies of your own. She would want all of that for you and she would be damn proud of the person you’ve become. She may not be here physcially but she is inside of you.You are half of her. You will always have a piece of her.

Sunday will be the fourth Mother’s Day without my mom and the third being celebrated as a mom myself. It’s a hard day. I used to feel salty towards everyone posting pictures on Facebook of them and their moms together having fun and celebrating the day with lunches, dinners and gifts. It’s tough to see because you no longer have that. Your heart aches to because you can no longer celebrate with your mom on Mother’s Day. Afterall, that is supposed to be her day. So what do you do? You can dwell on the fact that she’s missing and you can hate everyone who still has their mom or you can smile. Remember the good times. Remember her laugh and silly things she did. Remember the way she’d hug you and tell you everything’s going to be alright when you’re upset. Remember the way she smelled when she’d get ready for work in the morning and fill the bathroom with her perfume. Think about how much she loved you and how she didn’t want to leave you.

I’m still grieiving and will always  be. There won’t be a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. The laughs we shared in the hospital room when she was on too many pain medications and the emergency helicopter freaked her out. When she told me she couldn’t do it anymore, she couldn’t fight anymore and I told her she had to for me, my  brother and dad. When we sobbed together and I held her frail body like she was the child. When I got a call at 6 in the morning saying she was scared while in the hospital and I raced there so she wouldn’t be alone. When I held her hand for the last time saying she couldn’t leave me because I didn’t know how to go on without her. When she died I picked myself up with the help of my now husband and family. I found out I was pregnant two months later and had no choice but to live. I wanted to be the mother that would make her proud. I hope I’m doing just that and she sees how amazing her granddaughters are.

This Mother’s Day, wake up with the thought that you’re going to take the day head on. You can cry but then you have to smile. Think of your mom and remember all of the things she’d want for you – she’d want you to be happy on this day and every single day. I know what you’re going through and it’s not easy. But you can’t live with anger and jealousy over what you can’t control and don’t have. Be thankful for the time you had with her and do everything you can to keep her memory alive.

– Casey