I Am The 1-In-4

“I’ll see you in my dreams tonight.
I’ll kiss your cheek and hold you tight.
I have no more tears left to cry.
You’ve flown away, my butterfly.”

This is not going to be a typical BurritoBuzz blog post. Typically we’re reviewing products, being sarcastic, writing about Lego’s and organization. We’re making our readers laugh and living the happy mommy dream one post at a time. However, I am sharing with you today about a topic that isn’t talked about, taboo in a sense; people aren’t made aware of it because no one talks about it and it’s heartbreaking: pregnancy loss. This is going to be real and this is going to be tear-jerking, but not only do I want others to be able to try to understand, I want other moms who have experienced loss to know that the moms here at BurritoBuzz sympathize with you, can relate and are here for you. 

**Please keep in mind that this is my experience. If you have cramping, bleeding, back pain or another out-of-the-norm symptom, please call your doctor or visit your nearest ER as soon as possible. **

I couldn’t even think of a witty typical BurritoBuzz title for this post and I’m sure that has to do with the fact I simply can’t think at all right now. It’s like a blurred shade has been pulled over my eyes and I just go through the motions to make it through the day.

Nothing I can put into words will truthfully help anyone understand. It’s one of those situations, that if you haven’t been there, you can’t even begin to imagine the pain. It’s one of the worst things I have experienced in my entire life, and I’m still trying to figure out how to make it from day to day. I promise I’m not being overly dramatic, it absolutely f*cking sucks. a27c0fe7949608c3784b2b824e541dd3

The wounds are fresh and very, very new. Not even a week ago, I was being rushed to the ER via ambulance with my 10 week old fetus in a tiny little container on my lap. I had suffered a spontaneous complete miscarriage at home at 9:42pm on Thursday, September 8th, 2016.

Let me start from the beginning. Here’s how it all happened:

Sunday, September 4th – I was seen in the ER for minor spotting with no accompanied cramps. An ultrasound was done and we were told our baby was fine, growing right on schedule, strong heartbeat and the spotting was from a subchorionic hematoma and there was nothing to worry about. Given the positive news, Danny (my husband) left for a funeral in California.

Tuesday, September 6th – I was back in the ER, as the blood had increased, still no cramping. Given the same information as before in regards to the baby being healthy and everything looking perfect.

Wednesday, September 7th – I was seen by an OB. I had yet another ultrasound where she told me everything was perfect, the baby looked great. I still had the subchorionic hematoma, but there was no harm to me or the baby. She told me I had a less than 2% chance of pregnancy loss. I was told to expect some minor (if any) cramping while the bleed cleared itself out. She then reiterated the “low, low risk of loss.” I remember hugging her as I left and thanking her because she put my mind at ease. I immediately called Danny and told him the great news.

Thursday, September 8th – Typical day at home. No bleeding. Few twingy cramps here and there, but nothing worrisome, all to “be expected.” I laid down in bed with C (he sleeps in my bed when Danny is out of town). I felt a peculiar “pop” right above my pelvic bone and vaguely remembering Googling “can you feel you baby move at 10 weeks?” While reading about how chances are extremely slim, I felt more wetness than normal. I figured I was spotting again. I had light panty liner on, so no worries. However, felt the urge to go pee. I stood up out of bed and from there to the hospital is a huge blur. I remember barely making it to my tile floor before the amount of blood became alarming, as it pooled around my feet. I remember trying to stay calm since my 3 year old son was still awake. I remember sitting on the floor of the bathroom on the phone with Danny telling him I had a miscarriage and was holding our 10 week old fetus in my hands. He didn’t want to believe me, swore I was mistaken because less than 36 hours prior I was told everything was perfect. I called my mother-in-law to come stay with C and I sat on the bathroom floor, in a huge puddle of blood, clots and tissue, with our baby, crying hysterically. I remember intermittently answering and making phone calls to my husband and listened to his beg and plea for me to be okay and get to the hospital. I remember trying to clean up the floor before my mother-in-law got there. I suppose this was out of embarrassment and instinct. I don’t remember her coming over and I don’t remember calling 911, but now know the reason I did was the amount of blood I lost. I don’t remember how my baby got placed into a tiny Tupperware container. I don’t remember the ambulance ride or getting to the hospital. I was in such a daze. A blank stare daze. I didn’t speak. I didn’t think. I didn’t move. I laid in the hospital bed, still hemorrhaging severely while the doctors did whatever they needed to. There were so many people, so many questions, gowns, blankets and IVs. My heart rate was through the roof and my blood pressure was low.  I had lost a significant amount of blood, to the point they were hanging bags of blood to give me (which I guess I refused until 100% medically necessary). They estimated from 9:42pm to the time I had gotten to the hospital, I lost between 550-575 ml of blood. I don’t remember anything else past that point. I was discharged roughly 8 hours later with instructions, narcotics and an empty womb.

September 9th-12th – Bleeding, mild cramping, exhaustion and still emotionally numb.

Monday, September 12th – I followed up with OB today and it was horrible. I walked down the hallway of the Women’s Health Clinic as the sound of fetal heart monitors echoed out of the rooms and into the hallway. The doctor came in, did an ultrasound and said that aside from some average clots and a thick uterine lining, my body had expelled everything itself, as if I was somehow unaware of this. She prescribed Cytotec to re-induce labor, Percocet and Ibuprofen for pain. The Cytotec will “shorten the rest of the process to 1-2 days”. I can’t write about my experience with the Cytotec because I haven’t began taking it yet and haven’t decided if I will. If I chose to take it, I will write about it. My body is naturally doing what it is supposed to do and the doctor said everything will resolve itself. I did not need and as of right now, will not need a D&C. This appointment was extremely hard. Not only did I see the same doctor who told me the day before I miscarried that everything was “perfect,” but I also saw my barren uterus. The same uterus that was so full of life, kicking feet and a beating heart last week. It really took a bigger toll on my already fragile emotional state.

Emotionally, I’m still not sure what is going through my head. The “Stages of Grief Cycle” is  a universal kinda thing but what is all true is that we all grieve differently and this cycle is a bunch of bullshit. Just because I’m choosing to share my story doesn’t mean I am in the “Dialogue and Bargaining” stage and given how I’m feeling, I am image011_0somewhere between my personally improvised grief cycle categories of “not wanting to get out of bed in the morning” and “sitting on the couch in a daze all day.” What has truthfully helped me a teeny tiny bit, is the outreaching of my family and friends who have been there and experienced a loss. The support of my husband is outstanding and people have come out of the woodwork to offer their condolences and share their stories. They’ve offered “tips and tricks” for what has helped them, links to websites, books, songs, blogs, etc. Does it heal the pain? Absolutely not. Does it help by surrounding yourself with others who can truthfully relate? Absolutely. Surround yourself with anyone and everyone you feel comfortable with and bask in the love and support you’ll receive. There have been moments when I want to be 100% alone and just be able to cry and scream without anyone consoling me. There have been moments when I want someone around because I won’t breakdown around others and it’s nice to be able to feel “normal” in the sense of having a casual conversation. It’s a crazy mixture of wanting people around, but wanting to be alone. I’ve found myself locked in my bedroom with a house full of people just to keep myself from having a panic attack. There are other days when I have been at my mother-in-law’s house, laughing and interacting with other members of the family. I do want to take an extra moment and touch on my wonderful husband. Even from over 2000 miles away he has been my rock through all of this. He answers the phone no matter what time of day, he calls numerous times a day to make sure I’m okay and he knows how to make me laugh even through all of this. He even sent me a dozen red roses to ensure I knew he was here for me. I have never doubted his support and do not fault him for being away. If we received even a slight bit of hesitant news on that Sunday, he wouldn’t have left. I strongly encourage you to take comfort in your spouse or significant other. They may not show it as emotionally as you will but trust me, they’re hurting just as bad.
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I can’t tell you how to grieve and I can’t give you a timeline as to when the pain will subside because frankly, I don’t think it ever will completely. What I can provide is a support system and the ability for you to reach out to someone who has been there, understands what you’re going through and can offer a sympathetic shoulder to cry on.

I’m here for you, mama. We’re here for you. You’re not just a 1-in-4 statistic like the world labels you as. You’re a grieving mom to an Angel Baby. 

– Kirstyn

 

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19 thoughts on “I Am The 1-In-4

  1. Even after being there, there still aren’t the right words. I see you. Each stage of grief is so unique and personal. Don’t like societal norms dictate how you (should) feel. 1 in 4. It’s astonishing really. But we don’t talk about it bc it makes others uncomfortable. Others? Thank you for not suffering alone and putting just one voice to the heartbreak so many of us have felt. Hugs and light.

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  2. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby girl at 30 weeks last year in June. I’m still waiting for the day that I can see a pregnant woman without being bitter in some form. My fiancé was on a golf outing, and I too was alone when it happened (I went to the ER alone because i wasn’t feeling baby move), and I suffer from extreme anxiety all the time now. My life is completely different than I imagined it being, and I’m still waiting on that day when I feel normal. Your words were written beautifully. I hope you find some peace and comfort in knowing that you are helping other struggling moms know that it’s okay to hurt for a long time.

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    1. Kelsey, I am so sympathetic to your loss and offer my deepest condolences. This has been extra hard because my husband isn’t home. I have been able to grieve alone, but not with him which is keeping the healing process at a halt. Thank you for your kind words and I’m sure our angels are up in Heaven playing together. ❤️

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  3. I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve experienced 3 miscarriages and Tiffany is so right, I’m still at a loss for words. My heart breaks for you. Thank you for sharing your story. Praying for healing and peace for you and your family.

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  4. Thank you soo much for sharing this. I have soo much running through my mind right now I’m not even sure what to say. I am laying here in bed at 4am reading this. My husband just left for work and I have an amazing 2 3/4 yr old boy across the hall. That being said, my Due date is approaching, I was due Sept.29. I would have been having a c section in the next week or so because of the complications and emergency c-section I had with my boy. It took me 15yrs to get pregnant with him and he was a surprise, miracle baby. And then we decided to try again before I got to much older and wanted a sibling for him. We prayed about it and were amazed at how quick I got pregnant. We were so excited and shared with everyone. And then I lost the baby. And the ER doctor was soo rude and heartless. And it’s been a little while now and I feel alot of people have forgotten about my baby. And knowing I would have my baby soon Is soo hard. I miss them so much. The last couple months has been such a roller coaster of emotion and grief. But you have to be strong for your other LO and husband. And some days I feel bad for being sad and heart broken, I feel bad for my husband and LO. And I know the next few months you will be going through all of this also. And I am sooo sorry for your loss. And know we are here. There are others. Some days I feel like I can’t even get up in the morning. And some songs trigger soo much pain. But I purposely play them anyways. I bought a ornament I have hanging on our mantle that talks about our Angel baby. And a necklace that has our sons and September birthstone hanging on it. They will always be with us. And live on in us.

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  5. So sorry for your loss prayers to you from one angel mommy to another.

    I can relate, on Tuesday August 9 at 15 weeks & 2 days I woke up with a brown discharge I called my obgyn n he told me to go to the er, so I did they did a vaginal exam n a ultrasound n said my son was healthy and had a strong heartbeat, after the vaginal ultrasound when the probe was removed there is seen more Brown discharge, but they still said everything was fine. I told them this doesn’t make sense I shouldn’t have dried blood I was told to follow up with my obgyn I had an appointment with him on Friday the 12th to have a test done on. Wednesday the discharged had stopped, I was relieved….then Thursday August 11th around 12:22pm I got up from my desk at work to use the restroom I felt a lot of pressure and I delivered my son at 15 weeks and 4 days in my bathroom at work. I was overwhelmed I screamed & yelled and began crying hysterically my coworker had been in the restroom as well and asked what’s wrong I said I just miscarried Kingston she rushed in and stayed n prayed with me the whole time until the emts arrived…as I held my son in my hands….the ride to the er was a blur …only to arrive to the same er that just 2 days prior told me my son was fine and I ended up with the same nurse I wanted to scream take me out of this place. They then took me up to labor n delivery as I hadn’t passed the placenta they said it wasn’t ready n I would have to deliver it naturally for now as a d&c is more risky. After several hours and nothing happening they then began giving me medicine to make me basically go into labor to pass the placenta. So I laid there holding my son and just crying. My boyfriend and my 9 month pregnant daughter sat with me with such hurt and pain on their faces I didn’t want my daughter to see her brother as I was afraid it would cause to much stress and I didn’t want her stressed but she insisted. Family and friends came to the hospital and seen my son they were amazed at how developed he was. Once everyone left the doctors gave me more medication to induce labor of the placenta not until around 5:40 am as my boyfriend was trying to get some much needed rest the placenta began to pass and the pain was so terrible I just laid there crying and holding my son as the doctor made sure everything came out so they did another ultrasound and there it was my empty womb nolonger holding life it was heart breaking. I held my son until it was time for me to be released he was blessed and than taken away waiting for the funeral home to pick up his tiny body. Sorry if I am sharing too much. It wasn’t until 2 weeks later I was able to get an appointment with my gyn mind you my daughter and I have the same doctor our appointments were scheduled for the same day. While taking my blood pressure the nurse had asked if she was my oldest I began to lose it and said she is my only the doctor then walking down the hall rushed over and said Chasity I know I am so sorry and he gave me a hug. We went in the room and he asked what happened as I told him his jaw dropped and he said it sounds like incompetents I asked what do u mean he said you have an incompetent cervix and this shouldn’t have happened the er should’ve seen it had they known what they were looking for and at. My heartache than became anger, had they known what they were doing I would now be almost 21 weeks and my Kingston would still be here. Now I’m looking to change the way the er handles emergencies dealing with pregnant women I feel no matter 2 weeks or 20+ weeks ago pregnant woman should be seen in labor and delivery where the doctors are trained and know what they ate looking at and what to look for. Again I am so sorry for your loss even over a month later & being on medication I cry my eyes out and even have anger issues at times they say time heals all wounds I feel this whole in my heart will never be filled. Now I pray for my daughter n granddaughter and pray for a safe healthy and happy delivery for them both, and I pray I can and will be the GIGI I would’ve been before I loss my son is know it’s going to be a blessing but also heartbreaking to watch nevaeh grow up as she will also be a constant reminder during every mile stone that my Kingston is not here as they would’ve been only 4 months apart. Thank you for listening I’m sorry to say so much and I hope it makes sense as it was very hard to write. Sorry for your loss prayers to you from one angel mommy to another

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  6. I’m so sorry for your loss.

    I recently had a very similar experience, I lost my baby on Saturday, 13th August 2016 at 6.30 am, at 10 weeks gestation.

    I had started spotting at 7weeks 3days. Went to the ER, had an anti d injection, but because it was so faint, brown and had no accompanying pains, I was told not to worry. I saw my OB at 8+1 and had a scan, everything was perfect. My baby had a strong heart beat and I was told there was no sign of any internal bleeding from th uterus abs it would just be a common breakthrough bleed.
    The spotting never got worse, but it never went away. On Saturday morning the 13th of August I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and felt – something. I had lost the sac, without a warning. My tiny baby was there, no longer growing in my womb.
    My husband works away as a truck driver and I was lucky to have him home, but waking him to tell him that our baby was gone was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
    He took me to the hospital and I had a D&C that day.
    The first week was hard, my husband went back to work on the Monday, and being self employed I pushed myself to return on the Wednesday after.
    I thought I was ok, but just over a month on, some days I’m back to square one. I have these moments where I realise I’m not pregnant any more. I should have been 15 weeks by now. The hard thing for me is that for the rest of the world, life just goes on as normal, but inside my heart, and my womb, I am empty.

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  7. I’m so sorry for your loss. For me, time healed the wound but the scars remain. Today is the last day my son will be one. Tomorrow I will have a 2 year old. Five pregnancies and he is the only one that made it through. We finally gave up trying in May and I had my tubes tied when my last pregnancy caused too many lasting issues. For some reason, today is hard. I feel like something precious was stolen from me, like another First birthday to celebrate. We are growing our family through adopting older children through foster care. It’s emotional, but it will be worth it in the end. Good luck to you on your journey. May you someday find peace in the midst of your grief. Do whatever it takes to heal your body, mind and soul. And thank you for sharing your story.

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    1. First and foremost, thank you for your comment and sharing your personal story with me and the rest of the world! Second, Happy Birthday to your son! My husband and I plan to try again soon and I got the okay from my OB but I need to let my emotional wounds heal prior. Feel free to reach out if you ever need to vent or talk! ❤️ thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

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  8. I’m so very sorry for your loss Kirstyn…I also have suffered a loss and there isn’t a day that goes by that I think of that little one up in heaven..stay strong hun..my thoughts and prayers to you and your family…

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  9. Hi Kirstyn I am so sorry that you had to experience it but thank you for reaching out to other Mom’s. Your words gave structure to my chaos. 4 Weeks ago I lost our first baby at 6 weeks I know it was still very early but it was my poppyseed. I went through therapy but today it feels if my heart is breaking again in a million little pieces. I knew for 3 weeks that I am pregnant. Those 3 weeks was all I had. It is all I had left. Today is a hard day for me. But I will be ok one day but not today. I hope that your heart heals 💖

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